Tis So Sweet

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid, for the Lord GOD is my strength and my might; he has become my salvation. 

Isaiah 12:2

I am driving down the freeway. I catch a glimpse of a sign that reads “North I-405 Bellevue”. I realize that my chest has tightened. My pulse has probably quickened as well and I heavy in my hands and legs as my body reacts to my anxiety. If I don’t keep focus I will start to panic. I know how it goes - first I’ll start breathing faster, my chest will drop in dramatic waves. Then my heart will beat even faster, and as I give control over to the anxiety I will suddenly feel like I can’t breathe enough, my head will feel light and before long I will be in full blown panic mode, finding it difficult to perform even simple functions. Voices will be muted, I will be lost in fear.

But I have a hope in the darkness - I know this feeling. I’ve experienced it before. "Where?” I ask myself as I drive closer to this ominous sign. I have a quick flash back to more than four years earlier. 

I’m strapped into an incredibly unstable contraption that could flip over at any minute, pushing me underwater where I can’t breathe. Some people know these as a “whitewater kayak”. I’m rushing towards a churning mass of white topped waves, with only a paddle and a "personal flotation device” (aka life vest) to defend myself. This is where I know that feeling from. I’ve done this already. I know that familiar tug of panic as I rush towards something that might hurt me. I remember what this means - It means that I’ve lost focus on God and the ends that He has in store for me. And, I remember the steps to take: 1. Remember that God has me, that He will always take care of me and is control of my life. Check. Give up my need for control. Check. Shake my shoulders to remind my body to loosen up, catching it up to the decision I’ve already made in my mind and heart. Check. Now, focus. Start humming “Empty Me” by Jeremy Camp. “Holy fire, burn away my desire for anything that is not of you and is of me - I want more of you and less of me….” This helps me to constantly remind myself that God has control of me/ submit to him and also helps me to focus my thoughts on my end goal instead of the waves that threaten to topple me. I crash into the first wave and immediately drop into the trough that precedes it. I do this continually, bracing myself with my paddle, until I am through the entire rapid. Then I get caught by a tiny ripple in the river and tip, prompting me to release the restraints holding me onto the kayak and I pop up in the calm water, next to my kayak. The water is warm, I’m holding onto my kayak, and I’m not dead. In fact, I’m strangely calm. "Well huh” I say to myself. God let the plan play out a little differently than I thought it would but He stayed faithful. I’m here. I’m not horribly maimed or even out of breathe. I rested in Him, He took care of me and showed me I’m a little stronger than I realized. Interesting.

Suddenly I snap back to the present. Less than a second has passed. I look up at the sign and take a deep breathe as I start to pass under it. I shake my shoulders. The music in the car dims as I gain focus. “God, this freaks me out to no end. But, I trust in you. I submit to your plan and I know you will take care of me. I will focus on you and the positive. I will not get distracted by the bad. I love you and my deepest desire is to be close to you. Watch over me. Don’t let me lose focus of you”. With that, I pass under the sign, taking the exit.

If anyone asks, “what’s the benefit of the stuff you do at camp? Isn’t it just a bunch of adrenaline junkies trying to get their fix?”, this is the story I will tell them. The activities we do at Camp are so much more than just events. They’re lessons where a weeks worth of material has been condensed into a few hours - sometimes into a few minutes. The things we do at Camp are so important because it teaches anyone who participates lessons that we can’t learn until we experience them. Thankfully in the Camp setting we get to experience them with a degree of safety instead of having to just be in life and suddenly get hit with a really tough situation. We use the time before, during and after events to disciple those around us, helping people to understand the things God may be saying to them. Normally those lessons are even more important than the one I’ve just described. Often times God will open peoples’ eyes to big life changes that need to happen, like letting go of things we value more than God, striving after Him like our first love, trusting Him in the same way we trust a belayer, learning that the life we’ve been living is lukewarm and not at all what He intended and so much more. I am so thankful that I have gotten to grow up going to Camp Bighorn and that God has used it to have an effect on my life. I feel even more privileged that I get to be working here now. Thank the Lord for the work He is doing through Camp.